Opposites attract, right? Why then do couples struggle when an extrovert marries an introvert? As an extrovert, being married to an introvert for the past 24+ years has been interesting. I’ve learned much from this love of mine.
In learning more about others, I actually find that most couples that I know are the opposite of us. The husband is the extrovert and the wife is the introvert. Funny how those opposites do attract!
In our family, we have four children, three of whom are introverts and one extrovert. Our youngest child and I are the extroverts. We thrive on being with others, love parties, and generally are happier when out and about. The rest of my family craves alone time. They will attend parties, but are usually ready to leave much sooner than we are. They will go out and about, but need recharge time when that’s over.
Over the years, I’ve learned how to be the wife of an introvert. His personality is much different from mine. I’m bubbly, optimistic, and love fun. He is not-so-bubbly, tends to expects the worst, and is not very optimistic.
But, we celebrate our differences. It’s what makes us a couple. While I add color to his days, he grounds me and helps me see the potential pitfalls that my optimistic mind never sees coming.
Instead of trying to change your introverted husband, help him to be all that he can while learning from him. Here are some things need to understand a few things about introverts (generally speaking, each person is certainly a unique individual, so these may or may not apply)
To the Wife of an Introvert- 7 Keys for Harmony:
1. Just because he is not talkative does not mean he is anti-social:
For my Honey, he is quite talkative. Actually, it’s one of the first things I noticed about him. He LOVED to talk to me and remembered what I said from conversation to conversation. We spent hours just talking and still do. He just does not like talking to a crowd. He’s much more a one-on-one conversationalist.
2. Small talk drives him nuts:
Small talk is a waste of time for my Honey. He can’t stand it. He wants to talk about things of substance, things that truly matter. He could care less what we are having for supper, just feed him. It’s not that he’s unconcerned, it’s that he sees this as a trivial thing. Trivial things feel like wasting precious time.
3. Things do not happen quickly:
We dated for 16 months before he proposed. He was in no rush, while I was ready at about week two! He wanted to be sure that I fully knew what “I was getting myself into” (as he told me while on bended knee just before he asked the very-much-awaited big question.) He likes to figure things out before doing them. He doesn’t want to waste time. If he builds a bookshelf, he uses no written plan for he has built it a million times in his head before getting started. For me, this causes me to stop and consider what’s really important, for I want things done NOW, not later.
4. He doesn’t want to go out every weekend:
His desire is to work at home, but he has a job in town. Five days per week, he leaves his happy place to go to work to earn a living to support us. The very last thing he wants to do on his days off is to go town for any reason. He wants to stay home, not go galavanting off hither and yon. He doesn’t thrive on “going,” he thrives on staying put.
5. He just “knows” things:
I could have saved myself a TON of hurt feelings over the years if I had simply listened to him. I have no clue how he knows what he knows, but he’s always right. When he tells me that this new friend of mine is to be held at arms’ length, I need to listen. For it won’t be long when it’s revealed that she is not at all the person she portrays herself to be. Me, in my “happy-go-lucky optimist place, thinks that all people are just as they appear, and don’t hide behind facades. Oh, for such a world to actually exist!
6. His dedication knows no bounds:
If he’s at work, he’s working. He’s not thinking about me, what we’re doing this weekend, or anything but work. He’s dedicated in a way that I don’t think others truly understand. If he’s home and focused on a project, that has his full attention. It’s not that he’s ignoring me, it’s that he truly hasn’t thought of whatever question I asked him that morning.
7. He thrives on routine:
This may come from his childhood, where he really had no control, but he absolutely loves routine. For example, we have had Friday pizza and movie night for nearly 20 years. When circumstances happen that this has to be changed, he’s disappointed. He likes his personal items left a certain way on his dresser, that way he always knows where they are. If his flashlight goes missing, he is searching for it until it’s found. He likes order. He likes to know what to expect, and what is expected of him.
What does all of this mean to the extroverted wife that gets to share her life with him? It means you get to work on a different side of your personality. It means you have a gift.
He can balance your world if you’ll let him. He’ll ground your puffy balloon and make it not reach the sun and explode. He’ll be your sounding board for he loves to talk, but try not to include every little itty-bitty detail. He’ll be your biggest supporter, but he won’t give false praise.
Communication is the key to any relationship, but most especially in marriage. When you are two very different personalities, it becomes all the more important. While the introverted husband can do things to “come out of himself,” I’m writing today to the extroverted wives. We can only control and change ourselves. Don’t try to control or change your husband, for that only leads to heartache. Learn to embrace the differences between you, not fight them.
I hope that you’ve found some encouragement in this post! Leave me a comment and let me know if you’re the introvert or the extrovert in your marriage. I’m curious to find out!
And check out these other encouraging wives’ posts written by fellow blogging friends. Be encouraged, dear wife!
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I really like this article, probably because I am married to an introvert too. I like how you say ” He just knows stuff.” I think the wisdom comes from NOT TALKING ALL OF THE TIME 😉 I love being married to him, he totally balances me out like you said.
Really? I haven’t met too many extroverted wives married to introverted husbands. We’re a rare breed, it seems!
So true! I am married to a quiet introvert, during our 22 year marriage I haven’t always appreciated him! Once I stopped focusing on the little things that drive me batty (like his intense focus during projects or work) I learned to love and understand him much more and become grateful for him! I read somewhere once that What we focus on… GROWS! Truth! I love your pictures! I love pictures of honest REAL people. Thank you for sharing. (Now, I will take this reminder and work on how I perceive my youngest child. Good stuff!)
I’m sure we do things that drive our husbands batty too. Course, being extroverts, we tend to not see those things. 😉
He does balance me. Sounds like your hubby does the same for you!
Thank you for your sweet words about our photos. Yep, real people, that’s us!!
Dear friend out there. You are one of the lucky one. I married an introvert husband. I’m eager to learn, and fully support him, although I did misunderstand him in the past. I would like to do anything to learn and continue to support him, but… he is the one getting tired around an extrovert wife. Heart broken!
Oh, Lizzy.
Just the fact that you are trying to understand how your husband ticks tells me that you are a great wife! I heartily encourage you to have a heart to heart talk with him about this. Share your needs and desires and allow him to do the same.
For us, I find my extrovert needs are met when I go to homeschool group meetings or the new grief support group that I’ve started. It energizes me. I don’t expect my husband to go to those functions with me. He would not be energized by them at all.
For his introvert needs, he likes to spend time alone. This gives him time to think and process. I have to recognize that this is not a time necessarily to be away from me, but to be alone. Does that make sense?
I asked my husband if he’d be willing to write a follow up post- To the husband of an extrovert. He’s considering it. 🙂
Pls tell him to write it ..we will get to know
This list does describe my husband but it also describes me LOL we are both introverts. One would think I would have him all figured out but Nope I am still working on it. I think it is because he is the male counterpart to me. I can see why we may clash at times but we also later understand each other.
Interesting, Amber! Isn’t it funny how we can know things about ourself, but not “see” it in another?
Laurie – kinda describes the introvert I’m dating. This has been helpful as I am feeling a little frustrated and having a hard time understanding his behavior. He tells me he likes me but when he’s busy I don’t hear from him for days.we have been on several dates and on our last date he just invited me over and cuddled for hours…. Not talking!!! How am I suppose to know him?? He said over time!” What does that even mean? My introvert girlfriend said “wow sounds like u had a great date. U know we don’t invite anyone in our space for hours unless we really like u. The fact that he is comfortable w just being w u is great…” I was also warned that this will be slow so of course I have not really heard from him the last few days because he’s been so busy (except he sent me a Happy Birthday message …. I’m so confused, and discouraged, but I don’t want to give up if he might actually like me too… I’m normally pursued by men aggressively… But he just doesn’t and I really like him.
I’m so glad you wrote!
Obviously, not knowing either of you, it’s hard to comment about your relationship.
Let me encourage you! The fact that he remembered your birthday AND sent you a message speaks volumes. Yes, having you in his “space” also speaks volumes of his comfort with you.
I suspect that you are an extrovert like me. I will tell you that you’ll have to look for these things. He won’t gush over you, make a big deal out of little things, swoon over you, or any of the other “romantic” things you may do for him (and want him to do for you.) Instead, he will show you his feelings by his actions, his devotion, his commitment.
I hope that he is a talkative introvert for he can help you understand him, and you can help him understand you. Communication is SUPER important to be sure you both are on the same page.
I’d suggest you both take a personality test, then read each other’s results. Read up on what makes your personality type tick. It will give you insight into his world, and him into yours. Here’s one to try- https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test
Just because he’s an introvert does not mean he fits a “mold.” He’s a unique person, just as you are.
I’d love for you to update me!!!!
Wow. This post (and comments) brought tears to my eyes! My boyfriend and I just moved in together, and to my surprise he is an extreme introvert. And I am his absolute opposite! Texting and video chatting are always amazing, (he will often send a random heart or rose emoji lol) but when he’s home, he is always laser focused on something and prefers not to go out unless it is necessary. Small talk and random kisses do indeed seem to annoy him, but intellectual conversation and making sure he is always touching while we sleep seem to be his thing. I have now begun to just listen, enjoy and LEARN when he talks, give him his space, and savor his form of affection.
Thanks so much for opening my eyes to who he is and who We are.
Oh, Ronda!
Your comment made my day!!! I’m so glad you found what I wrote helpful!! Best wishes to you and your boyfriend!!
im so greatful to found your post. i just got married few months and my husband is an extreme introvert that sometimes it makes me annoy and want to fight him. but for reading your post and the comments ifeel glad that im not the only one who has extreme introvert husband. it really helps me to think what i will do and give him more understanding.
Patience. It goes a long way, truly. Take the time to communicate so that both of you know what the other needs/expects.
I wish you a long and happy marriage!
This blog confirms what I was thinking to myself the past 12 years of my marriage. I thought I was alone and once in a while have a self pity party after blindly accusing him of isolating me from our friends and family. Took me a long time to understand he is more comfortable and his true self at home. Going out always stressed him out and even if he ended up having fun in the end, it was always a battle to be fought in the car on the way to the event. After 12 years I have learned to adjust, it still is hard for me from time to time. I get a bit restless and he knows how to calm me down. There is truth to the balance that has been keeping us together this long. Just when I want to give up, he brings me back and reminds me how wonderful we have it.
Thank you for enlightening me today! and sorry for the long reply post.
Thank you for your comment!
Marriage does offer us a unique opportunity to truly know someone inside and out. I’m glad that my article was helpful to you!!!
I am a an extrovert wife married to an introvert husband. We have 4 kids (11 yrs, 4yrs, 2yrs and 7 months), homeschool and live in a rural area. My husbands works nights (60 hour weeks) and commutes an hour one way.
I don’t have any friends really (actually got off FB because there was no point) and all the women around my age at church are related to each other, career woman in which most teach or are administrators at local school districts so not much in common. I’m an only child and we have little to no contact with my in-laws .
So this adds up to extreme loneliness. What do I do? I never thought I’d be 40 and completely lonely.
Amy,
Oh, friend, I’m sorry. Lonely is a very hard place to be.
Are you a part of a homeschool support group? Or maybe a homeschool co-op? That is where I found most of my friends. What about your children? Do they have friends? If so, could you strike up a friendship with their Mamas? Or visit the library during the day, that’s when homeschoolers tend to be there.
Being an extrovert married to an introvert does have its challenges. My husband doesn’t really care a whole lot for entertaining, while I love it. I am usually energized by a trip to town and seeing folks. It’s draining to him.
Recognizing these differences, I believe, is key to a happy marriage. Both of your needs are important.
Please do reply and let me know if any of these suggestions are helpful.
My wife and I are totally different in almost every way a husband and wife could be. Shes the extrovert, I’m the introvert. Been married 25years, high school sweethearts, 2 kids (21son and 17daughter). We hit a rough time this last few months, actually nearly got divorced. She being very extroverted, she would become close to new people she met very easily, whether male or female, but tended to connect with males more. She came to my high school in the 8th grade being she grew up a few cities away and obviously this meant she had a unknown history about herself I wasnt familiar with. Anyway our issue now has become this firm disagreement of the fact that I had discovered she has been in constant contact with a couple ex-boyfriends and 1 supposedly close male friend from the school she came from through text, calls, and social media. The thing is I dont suspect she is trying to hook back up in a physical way but she did admit to confiding in the 1 close male friend whom I did meet maybe twice in 25years. The exs, all I have to go on is messages back and forth to each other on social media which didnt seem to include anything obvious in terms of wanting to cheat on me. The main problem is these interactions were disclosed and kept from me. Further, I’m aware of mutual male friends we share and contact but its these men I have no knowledge of that makes me uncomfortable shes in hidden contact with. This has basically been a secret from me our whole marriage but to her they are just friends and she didnt think it was a big deal that she kept contact with them. I cant see the significance in these prior relationships she hangs on to and actually put our marriage up against the freedom to continue these interactions with her past relationships. I’ve been emotionally struggling with this more because of the fact she does not recognize the betrayal factor in this. She continues to stress that I knew she had close friendships with her male friends and why am i trying to change who she is..?! I’m totally baffled by this even though I really love her and she loves me but she cant possibly believe the way shes going about this is not right. Help me understand please!
Brandon,
I’m sorry for your pain!
I don’t think this is an extrovert/introvert thing. I see it as a huge difference in opinion. I am an extrovert and COMPLETELY understand your distress over this situation. It can be very hurtful when our beloved confides in others, especially when it’s the opposite sex. My suggestion is to have a real, hard conversation with your wife. Why does she confide in these past men? Why does she feel that she needs to be in contact with those who obviously cause you distress?
It’s a tricky place to be, that’s for sure. You aren’t accusing her of cheating, you’re hurt because she doesn’t see the red flags and such from this, and is disregarding your feelings.
We all want friends, but not at the expense of our marriage or the well-being of our spouse. Sure, there’s a line there, between a spouse being jealous and the need for trust. It doesn’t sound to me, from your comment, that you are simply a jealous husband. It sounds to me that you are a hurt husband whose wife is not considering your feelings and remaining close with those you’ve expressed your feelings about.
I’m sorry that I don’t have an easy answer for you. Please know that I’m thinking of you and your wife and hope that you can come to an amicable solution that satisfies both of you!!
My husband is an introvert who loves and cares about me. However we dont understand each other and Sometimes I’m deeply. Sometimes he doesn’t want to talk much and I love to communicate. I feel alone sometimes but I know he loves me. I don’t know if things can get better between us
Oh, friend, feeling alone in a marriage is so difficult. If I may ask, how long have you been married? Have you let him know how alone you feel? If so, how did he react (or not react?)
I’d love to talk with you further. If you’d rather, feel free to e-mail me at laurie @ successfulhomemakers. com
(((hugs)))