Caring for our elders

Recently a friend of mine moved her aging father-in-law into their home. He needed to be cared for, and moving into their home was the best possible choice for this family. Her children are getting older, several have already married and moved out on their own. She has a couple of teenagers still living at home.

The change has brought some difficulties, but the family is adjusting and growing together. I thought I’d share our story of caring for our elders and give some tips for making this work.

This past week marked the anniversaries of my Pap and Gram’s deaths. Gram left us 15 years ago, while Pap left us 12 years ago. I miss them both dearly. They were incredible influences upon my life.

I miss them more as each year passes. My youngest child shares Gram’s name. This would have made her smile, to know that one of her great-grandchildren is her namesake.

My grandparents had been in Florida visiting us from their home in upstate New York for the winter While they were there, my Gram suffering a debilitating stroke. After a stay at the hospital, she was moved to a nursing home. We were not completely thrilled with the care she received at this facility. So, my parents remodeled part of their home to bring her home to live with them, as well as my Pap. They had been married for 55 years and having them back together was a wonderful way for them to live out the rest of their days.

Caring for our elders

This was a financial burden upon my parents, as well as a physical one. The full-time care of a person who is bed-bound, unable to eat or talk, takes its toll. Every so often, my parents would leave for a respite trip while my husband, children, and I would move in to take care of my Pap and Gram.

For us personally as a couple, when I married my husband, his Grandma lived with him. He had moved in with her at the age of 14, and at some point, it switched from her caring for him to him caring for her. She lived with us until her death in 1994. Her care was not like my Gram’s because she was able to care for herself.

 

Should the need for care for our parents arise, we most definitely plan to provide that care for them.

I found this article from about caring for our elders to be most encouraging. I know that some would view taking care of their elderly parents as not something they would enjoy doing, but I don’t see it that way. I see it as a way of giving back, and the right thing to do. Obviously, if there are greater health concerns than what you can manage at home, this is not possible. However, if it is just a matter of making some changes and giving of yourself, I say go for it. Your loved ones will be happier, and you will too. The multi-generational family is not that far removed from our way of life.

Here are some of my tips for caring for our elders:

1. Go into it with your eyes wide open. The elder person you are caring for is still your parent, grandparent, etc. However, they are also older. They may have limited abilities and this may frustrate them. They may or may not accept your help. They may see your help as a reflection upon their abilities. Know that this is common and not an “attack” on you personally.

2. Be a united front. Whether it’s answering a criticism from others, or a concern of the person you are caring for, it’s important to be united. (It’s the same as being united in your parenting.)

3. Learn the budget. The person you are caring for has their own finances. These funds may or may not cover all of their needs. Be aware of how you’re taking them into your home will affect both their finances and yours.

4. Carve out couple time. You need to remember that you are still a couple. Make the time for date nights, and even quiet suppers just the two of you.

5. Find back-up care. There will be times when you simply need a break. Or perhaps you all come down with the stomach bug. Who will provide care in your absence?

6. Understand that the elder is still “able” in their mind. As we age, we do lose certain abilities. It’s hard to admit this, even to ourselves, sometimes. When you offer assistance, know that it may not be well-received. Find creative ways to get jobs done, in spite of the resistance.

7. Give grace. This is important not only for the elder person, but to yourself as well.

8. Be available. Many times, the elder person simply wants your presence, not your help. Listen to their stories, encourage them to talk, write down those moments. One day, their generation will be gone, and you will be part of the eldest generation. Take the time to write down your family history. Trust me, you won’t remember all of those stories!

9. If you’re not the care-taker, support those who are. Being supportive of the care-takers, their routines, and habits is the very best way you can help. If the elder has a concern, encourage them to talk to the caretakers about it. If they don’t wish to do so, you take it to the caretakers and help to find a solution. Then be a part of the solution, not the problem.

10. Know that this season of life does not last forever. Just as our child-rearing days have an end, so do the care-taking days. When your loved one is no longer living, you won’t really remember the difficult days. But, you will remember that you were able to give them what they needed most when they needed it. You allowed them to live out their days among loved ones. That is something to be commended.

 

 

To be prepared for our elders’ futures, there is a great care calculator at Genworth. It is shocking to find what caring for elders can cost. While some families can not provide care for their elders, the cost savings in providing this care yourself is phenomenal.

 

 This post was brought to you by Genworth as part of a campaign by the lovely Brandfluential team. All thoughts and opinions expressed in this post are my own.